I Want

Okay guys, let's be real here. I suck. At least at blogging. Can I make a semi-incoherent excuse for it? Okay, here goes.

About two weeks back my roommate Ashley and I were talking, as we're like to do when we actually see each other and she isn't busy studying every bone and muscle in the human body. Anyway, the conversation shifted to priorities. Time management. It may have been inspired by the fact that I make lists of everything and write down what I'm going to do every hour of every day days in advance. Anyway, I was frazzled with everything that, well, needed doing. Ashley looked at me and said something very wise:

"My number one goal is to be the best Occupational Therapy student. The best. Everything else is secondary."

And she probably is the best. I judge this by how hard she works and how many words she says (and sings) at me that I don't understand. But hearing this made me pause. In the hustle and bustle of coming back and rearranging my life and getting back into shape, I had no goal. Actually, my goals had been too weak. To not do badly, to not underperform, to not dissapoint. I think I've lost sight, some drive, because for a few days there, I had no idea what I wanted anymore.

Here's what I want.

I want to write. I want to delve deep into our country's politics and culture and fears and tendencies, and I want to contribute to the field I love to study so much. I know I'm in the right major because I get excited about my papers. EXCITED. Last weekend I wrote a short paper-- five pages-- about the conservative political movement and Iceland's economic collapse. And I thought of nothing else. I want to write the best papers in the class and contribute to every discussion.

I want to finish this stupid macroeconomics problem set. There are some days I question how my father managed to brainwash me into actually wanting to take this class. On the plus side, I actually understand the  sub-prime mortgage crisis now, about 3 years too late. Yeah, so this want is short term. I am just SICK of drawing supply and demand curves. I GET IT, EQUILIBRIUM BLAH BLAH BLAH OKAY?

I want to find my confidence in crew. I want to be able to approach an erg like I did the starting block for swimming and not feel defeated before I even sit down.

And...I want to get what I want. Kind of like the girl that turned into a blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Except, if I don't get it, I'll just work harder. And maybe limit my excessive whining to the blogosphere. Are you glad I'm back?