I Just Realized That I'm TERRIFIED

In approximately 24 hours, I will be a senior in college.

For some reason, it hit me approximately 2 minutes ago while I was washing my hands. I am absolutely, positively terrified of the real world.

This summer, I am working 9 to 5 in a paid internship that actually reflects my career goals. Career. Job. There is no summer job, really, after this summer. After that, I have to find a job FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. (Grad school will come eventually, but a little money-making, soul-searching first.)

This is not lifeguarding, or coaching, or babysitting. It is real life. And after those few short months I get to head back to the comforting structure of the semester system, with classes scattered throughout the day and practice each evening. I can still go to a dining hall for dinner. I will still be oblivious as to what electricity costs.

But then, it's over. For all the talk I've done about growing up with study abroad and the independence I appreciate and how much I want to make a difference, I am scared. I am scared of actually having to do that. I like the idea of it so much better. The, "What do you want to do when you grow up" question is fun to answer. The "what are you doing right now?" is absolutely overwhelming. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I am 20 years old, a year away from graduation.

Most of the time I feel like a complete fraud, and that people all around me think I have things together but I really, really don't. I feel like I'm trying to keep a volcano of all the responsibilities and goals and dreams and fears plugged up, and the pressure is building and building and I'm trying to keep a calm face on while I keep it pinned down.

This growing up thing is kinda exhausting. I thought puberty was supposed to be the hard part. Liars.

And now, I need to stop procrastinating and study for this final. Real life isn't here just yet.